What does freedom actually look like? How is it defined by you. It varies person to person country to country and circumstances to circumstances.

At this time it has been quite a while since I have spoken in this platform. Almost a year actually. I have been dealing with the fallout of freedom. You may ask "what fallout could there be from freedom?" Well let me fill you in. 

After our last hearing where I knew that he would never be entering the country and never able to physically haunt me I fell a part. I had a great peace and understanding that I had my freedom and it came from deep deep within. That said everything else felt crumbling.

He had found my place of work and served me a fictitious court request. It effected me severely. 

My health started to decline. My work became my everything. And my ability to cope with literally anything dissipated.

I couldn't stand just being. Every waking moment needed to be filled and simple conversations that needed my response or reply became overwhelming. 

The need to constantly be in defense mode was gone and so, in a way, was my daily purpose. I have had to readjust to everyday life. To living. Real living. Living without fear, insecurity, and in the defensive. 

It has been a process. They say the darkest moments are right before your greatest breakthroughs and man is that true. I had some of my darkest breaking moments this year. But I held on and more than anything I asked for help. 

I recognized I had nothing left in my tank to deal with life and I chose to ask. This was the best decision I could have made. Just making food had become a major chore. I could still function at work and so I threw myself at it full force. I was at the office some nights till well after 9pm with no real reason other than I still had things to do. While my personal life crumbled. 

Not being able to parent, make my meals, or care. Just wanting to be in bed and all replies being that of "eh, I don't care."

I have been able to find a place of balance now. A great friend of mine challenged me and said to me "How can you go through so much, and see so much breakthrough and still fall apart? Where is your trust in God to take care of you and restore the situation?"

Literally this simple statement snapped me out of it. I still have hard days but they are so so much better than just months ago. In my endeavor to find normal life again this year I have chosen to let it be a year of "Yes". 

When the situation is safe and reasonable the answer will always be yes. I have for too many years declined invitations to events, dinners out, or even serving at church and being a friend. I have made this year my yes year. I have already done so many things and have had such great experiences I think next year will be a yes year as well!

I think the really big takeaway that I would leave you with is this. Just because the really hard circumstance is over, does not mean that you won't experience pain or challenges that come from within. They are the result of holding on for so long.

And, it is ok to ask for help. Sometimes the strongest choice is to ask for help. Im so glad I did and Im so glad I have an amazing supporting group of people around me. 

Not people that you want to have pity on you, or facilitate the pain or eh moment, but people that truly support you and also give you those hard words of "what happened to trusting". The people that challenge you to hold on and not give up. Those that love you despite the circumstances and know you can hold on even when you don't think you can. 

Im getting back a normal life, and I never thought I would fall apart when I got the freedom. I thought it would all just be ok and normal again. I had no idea there would be fallout from freedom but... there is. 

I hope that this raw glimpse into my life journey can give you the hope to hang on. I hope it gives you the courage to keep fighting for your freedom. And more than anything I hope that it lets you see that people who go through these types of life trials have sunny days and stormy days and that its ok. That it will be ok, and you can get through it too.