Well this has been a very interesting time. I have to do what a crazy person has ordered. And my poor son hates it. And I miss my friend terribly. To not talk to him every day sucks.
This season after the visitation hearing has seemed like an endless grenade to my life. Whether it is self inflicted I cannot say. Certain aspects are obviously at the hands of a foreigner who seems to get more rights than I do, but then those few things, where you just wonder if it was you.
Its those times where I take a minute and evaluate. I seek God and solace. I pray and I praise and it clears the air. It helps me to know that I have the ability to determine not what happens but how I can react or not to it.
Thats where the power lies. In the ability to determine my response.
So in light of that I have made some promises and allowed myself to be just ok, to let you see some of the true feelings that come as you grow and progress through and out of the trauma.
I promise to flourish and prosper, and the plans and future God has for me to be completed. That the evil will not enter in. The captives are to be set free and we will be free.
I long for the day when I can say those things have fully happened. I long for complete freedom for my son and I. For my own home. My own husband to love and cherish me and I him. To teach my son about life. To feel safe again. To know how to have fun again. To dare to even dream.......
I'm sick so sick of just being ok. Of just surviving. I'm tired. Bone weary tired. I'm ready for my life to stop being stolen. To stop being tortured. To truly thrive.
As Dr. Caroline Leaf talks about, I will stop creating branches of death in my brain because I have accepted the trauma. I will continue to grow branches of life and control the only thing I can, My relationship with God and my reaction to the world around me.
Its time to make good on the promises.